Jose Baez is wasting his time jetting back and forth to New York. Cheney Mason, likewise, needs to put down his loaded gun and his middle finger. C'mon, guys, time to do a reality show! Why should those pretty, but dim, Kardashian girls have all the fun?
Let's be practical - Casey Anthony isn't panning out to be the immediate cash cow you'd hoped. Yes, yes, Jose is hoping that the public has a short memory and that in six to nine months he can slide her into an interviewer's chair. But it's a gamble throwing all your rotten eggs into that basket. People just don't like a sociopathic child killer.
There should be a time slot available for you very soon. Snooki's should be headed to rehab or jail shortly. If you've seen one botoxed screaming housewife, you've seen them all. Kris Jenner's facelift for Kim's wedding is old news.
We're not talking quality here, just cold hard cash. Working title - Keeping Up With The Klowns. Yes, yes, both of you would like to be portrayed as serious lawyers interested in truth and justice. But that's not going to bring in the ratings. The network has ordered six test episodes. Here's a sneak peek -
Episode One - Cheney picks Jose up at the airport. Jose emerges from the plane, wiping remnants of a snack from his mouth. Cheney puts his gun in the glove compartment. They shake hands, get in the car, and drive to a restaurant. Conflict emerges when Jose wants to eat again and Cheney wants another bourbon. They agree that Jose will start his diet tomorrow and Cheney will will only have one drink. They bemoan the backlash that has accompanied Casey's acquittal.
Episode Two - Mrs. Mason enters the picture for the first time. She's crying over the threats the family is still receiving. Cheney reloads his gun, throwing an empty bourbon bottle against the wall in frustration at the missus crying. He's packing heat; he'll protect her. He sends her out to the liquor store for another bottle. Cheney then calls Jose, only to find out Jose is at a restaurant with a TV executive. Cheney worries that Jose is trying to cut him out of a business deal. Jose promise to leave the restaurant, as soon as he's finished eating. Cheney kicks his dog in frustration.
Episode Three - This episode has a lighthearted boys-will-be-boys feel. Dorothy Clay Sims makes her first appearance. The three are shown at a restaurant. Jose's tucking into a huge steak, and Cheney's on his second bourbon. After a bit of good-natured ribbing with each other, the boys devote the rest of the episode to twitting Dorothy about her newly-straightened hair, which she debuted on the Joy Behar show. Cheney flips off the staff at the restaurant, and the three walk out the door, laughing.
Episode Four - Jose's wife is finally introduced to viewers. She confronts Jose about his feelings for Casey, and the time he spends jetting about the country. Jose confesses that he is, indeed, as facile a liar as Casey, but that there is nothing going on between them. Wifey says that she feels she can't trust him, and Jose leaves the table in disgust because his meal has gotten cold. He calls Cheney, who is in the midst of his own marital woes. He's angry that his wife got the wrong bourbon at the liquor store. His wife is still angry that he kicked the family dog. They agree to meet at a restaurant where they can eat and drink together in peace.
Episode Five - Jose and Cheney get a call from Casey! The boys attempt to placate their meal ticket, but Casey is having none of it. Though never shown on camera, Casey is heard shrieking. She's had just about enough of staying in hiding. She tells Jose that he's getting fat and Cheney that he's a lush. She reminds the hapless duo that they are only famous because of her. The boys "surprise" Casey with the news that she will be able to appear in the next episode, in time for the November sweeps. Jose agrees to get a stylist for Casey, and to divorce his wife to be with her. Cheney bemoans his loss of youth, telling Casey he'd "tap that" if he wasn't so old. Casey giggles, the boys smile.
Episode Six - Cheney is angry that Jose has tipped off the media that Casey may surface soon and that Mrs. Mason has hidden his gun. Jose is angry that he can't button his sport coat and that Mrs. Baez was upset when he served her with divorce papers. The boys hop into a limo and head to the airport. A last-minute tense moment ensues when Mason thinks Jose has forgotten to purchase roses for Casey. Jose reminds Mason that the network is at the airport with the flowers and a check for her. Mason reminds Jose that Casey's daughter's name is Caylee, and to act like he's sorry that Caylee is dead when they speak to the media. The camera cuts to a private plane sitting on an airstrip. The boys exit the limo, and walk nervously toward the plane. The media surges about them. The plane door opens...
Keeping Up With The Klowns. Hopefully, never coming to a network near you.
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