Ah, the pastoral days of late winter and early spring 2011. Life was simpler then. In those gentler times, turning on the TV brought only wall-to-wall coverage of Charlie Sheen imploding.
Remember the goddesses? No? That's okay - Charlie's harem of porn harlots all looked alike, so a memory lapse can be forgiven. Blond hair, big boobs, intellectual impairment. Yes - the goddesses.
Charlie did leave the public with a parting gift as he crashed and burned. His drug-fueled rants sparked a new catchphrase - "Winning!"
How fickle the glow of the limelight. Charlie hasn't been seen or heard in months. But now it's time for Charlie to seriously strategize the reclamation of his post as King Of Notorious Pond Scum.
But is it too late for Charlie to reclaim the throne? Face it, our boy's going to have a rough time - the Scum has really grown in the Pond of Notoriety in the last week. Sure, partying with porn "stars", ingesting drugs, and abusive behavior toward ex-wives is impressively deporable, and Charlie, without question, is a master in those departments.
Lindsay Lohan was a serious contender, at one point this spring, to supplant Charlie. And, while La Lohan's penchant for pilfering and the bottle have given her serious Pond Scum cred, she will never reign as Queen. She's merely drifting on the surface of the Pond, awaiting her next arrest.
Charlie can easily eliminate some of his competition in the Scum floating in the Pond. His best strategy would be to appoint new Pond Scum resident Jose Baez a spot as his court jester. Charlie would probably consider that appointment a no-brainer.
Big Daddy Cheney Mason could be gainfully employed by Charlie as his personal Pond Scum assistant. That way Charlie need never be bothered with flipping the bird again. He knows Mason's got the gesture down cold, freeing Charlie to pursue his vices.
Charlie will definitely want Cindy Anthony in his court. Who better to lie to the law when they come around to check on Charlie's latest party? Heck, she won't be charged with perjury. Definitely a keeper.
If Charlie upends Dorothy Clay Sims, he can use her hair to mop up the 12 jurors and the 5 alternate Scum from the surface of the Pond, then toss them all handily to the shore. While Charlie might love depravity, he surely realizes there's no room for idiots in the Pond.
That settled, Charlie will now have to face his most formidable opposition in reclaiming his title: Casey Anthony. He's got to know it's going to be tough. While Charlie was distracted by his vices, Casey clambered to the throne. Reviled by the public, who view her as the undisputed Queen of Notorious Pond Scum, she's going to be hell to unseat.
Can Charlie consult the Annals of Bad Behavior, trump his previous deeds, and rid the Notorious Pond of Scum of an aquitted child killer? The media won't even look at him now, when, in the past, their fealty was assured.
Right now, his chances aren't good. Yet, if given a choice, I'm rooting for Charlie.
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