Over the years, I have learned that there is nothing that flips my Immediately Bitchy Button more quickly then the appearance of the packet heralding my daughter's yearly Science Fair project.
The agony routinely commences in early October - Cherished Daughter comes home from school, fishes out an immense packet of Pepto pink or spearmint-colored paper, and lays it gingerly in front of me. "It's that time of year," she offers, mustering a sickly grin.
Every year, I promise myself that I will not let the cursed packet and the subsequent project dictate my demeanor and my life. Every year, I fail miserably in accomplishing that goal. Every year, as I eye the offending packet, I rocket from Zen calm to incredibly foul in under five seconds.
The first step is to find an experiment for the project. In order to do so, I need to acquire clairvoyance, as it is not really about finding a science project, at this point. This involves knowing how the current year's science teacher thinks. Is s/he a look-we-all-hate-this-but-you-know-the-drill type of teacher, or is s/he the I-love-nothing-more-in-life-then-science-and-I-don't-care-if-it-kills-you-you're-going-to-love-it-too type?
Now, I still hate every second of every day until the cursed project is completed, but the first type of teacher ameliorates the eight weeks of agony - somewhat.
After four hours of online research, we decided on a relatively inexpensive experiment - testing the water absorption of pinto beans. Three trials, 18 plastic cups, a large bag of dried beans ($4.00 and change). Okay, I'd have to buy a food scale (digital - $20.00). At least that is something that can be used regularly. The soaked pinto beans would be tossed in a crock pot for turkey chili (2lbs ground turkey - $7.00).
I was ready to roar out of the gate & get this experiment DONE. But this year, unlike previous years, the idea had to be submitted to the teacher for approval. We were fortunate to get approval immediately. Then there was another layer of the approval process - filling out a six-page packet, which detailed how the research was going to be done, how the experiment would progress, etc. Jen aced that one, too.
Hindering the start of the experiment was one art teacher's sliding deadlines on the Ice Cream Princess costume (see post below), and another teacher deciding it would be fun for the kids to design an edible architectural structure for another class. So, my mind shifted from pinto beans to Starbursts, sour straws, and confectioner's sugar cement for a week.
Along the way, Jen dropped the unwelcome news that whereas, in the past, ALL kids had to do the cursed Science Fair project, this year the teachers were only requiring the kids in the advanced science classes to do the project.
I debated driving down to her school and strangling the bonehead that decided only the "smarter" kids would endure the yearly torture, but decided a Science Fair project was not worth a stint in prison. But my foul mood reached a new level after that news.
Science Fair projects are a waste of time, a waste of effort, and a waste of money. Sure, we always learn something new every year (after we did the experiment two years ago about fat bloom and chocolate, there are certain brands of chocolate I will never consume again, but, to avoid a lawsuit, I will not name companies here).
And why does everything have to be done in triplicate? All the associated crapola pertaining to the experiment has to be laboriously documented in a journal (extra composition books in closet, no money out of pocket). After the journal, all the associated crapola has to be crafted into a report, and handed to the teacher in a presentation folder, of course (uncles love to give Paper Junkie daughter stationery supplies - free!). Then the associated crapola has to be displayed on a science fair board (kiss another $13.00 goodbye for that).
And lets not forget the requisite photographs, at least five, to show the various steps of the experiment ($7.42 to develop film). It's hard not to think that one is frittering their life away while snapping shots of plastic cups, a food scale, a bag of beans, and measuring cups.
Today, with relief and exhaustion, Jen toted the journal, the presentation folder, and the cursed board off to school. I am confident, after all of her hard work, that she will get a great grade on the project.
Once the project is graded, she will cart the board back home, and it will be stashed in the depths of the garage, along with all the boards from Projects Past. This weekend, I will catch up on cleaning and laundry. We'll put up the Christmas tree, and relish the freedom from the clutches of the agony of the Science Fair project.
We are free...until next October.
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